Why is my past such a harsh mistress?

I named my blog as a play on the sci-fi book:

The Moon is a Harsh Mistress. And I removed “Cold” from my site name…simpler title and still valid.

My childhood was…interesting.

Filled with Love, Tragedy, laughter, sadness, sheer terror……Shakespeare would have been proud.

My past shaped this tired author. Gave me a world view earlier than my years should have allowed.

The Past is my Mistress. I don’t talk about “her” out loud. She is always there in the shadows and recesses of my very soul.

Sometimes she helps me cope, other times she drags me down into a personal Hell.

For some reason people assumed I’m a middle-aged woman….but I’m the opposite. A man pushing 60 soon, over thinker, passionate and the right and wrong things at times.

I had great teachers influence my love for reader and writing. My therapist and counselors who helped me adjust to post-military life over the years recommended to write on occasions.

My last blog was counter-productive, as I kept trying to top my current mood of depression. I tried to one-up my sadness.

I deleted the whole thing when I started to feel..”better”.

But I missed the writing and inward looking.

So now I am trying again, but taking a slower approach and trying to keep my mind from falling down that well of depression, that was so easy to do before.

Honestly, I’m okay, and even if I’m not 100% there….it’s so much better than my past self.

Something Old, Something Borrowed, Something Blue.

Daily writing prompt

What’s the oldest things you’re wearing today?

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The oldest thing I am wearing today?

This look of dismay and disbelief on my face. (you weren’t expecting that one…were you?)

Just when I think people are capable of doing the right thing, or being decent human beings, someone comes along and proves otherwise.

My neighbor of 15 years passed away after being in Hospice care for 3 months. He passed away January 1st of this year. I saw him at least once if not twice a day, to support, assist, comfort, chat and fix something. I was his friend, neighbor, executive assistant, handyman, tech support…and maybe the Son he wish he had.

His own son severed contact for at least 5 years, and that only ended because he was taken to court to allow my friend to see his grand daughter again. And because he was also cashing my friend’s checks sent to him. But 5 years was an eternity and the grand daughter was poisoned by her manipulative parents.

As his father started to waste away from the illness, he finally started showing up…but only because he perceived me as a threat. (A threat to what? I have no idea) His father had a trust fund and lawyer overseeing the estate. How sad that you can’t rely on your own flesh and blood.

Now the widow, his 91-year old mother….is under his care. I tried to keep my promise to my friend before he died, I would continue to visit her…to watch over her any way that I could.

I got a call from the home care nurse a few days ago, that the wife was being moved to a nursing home. I’ve reached out to the son several times to get her new address…but nothing. My 15 year friendship has been cancelled.

I had a vague idea where she was being moved to, but I am not family. I have no power. No control. I lost another friend.

I also fear he told her in her stage 3 dementia state, that I don’t want to see her anymore.

Thus…the old, worn out look of dismay on my face that I am wearing today. And probably for a long time, for I’m sure that if not this petty little son, that someone else will pick up the torch of deceit, of selfishness and destroy the fragments of hope I try to hold onto.

My apologies if you were expecting some romantic notion that I was wearing a favorite watch, or my wedding band with amazing memories… Or a favorite shirt from my wild days.

Demolition Man

My Maternal Grandmother had a nickname for me, not sure of the spelling but it was something like:

Deicher Boo

I’ve tried search German, Dutch, Pennsylvania Dutch…with zero hits. I’m starting to think it was a well-intended version of “Devil Boy/Child”. I will not dispute it. I was a little spoiled monster in my childhood. Maybe that’s why the Universe threw so much at me at an early age.

I loved my Grandmother, even if her nickname for me was remotely true or even worse. How much did I love her? She use to make me jelly sandwiches with butter. I hated that butter on them, but I loved her so much, I never said a word.

Part of my demon child years was that I would disassemble anything that could be taken apart. Toys mostly. But I had a “passion” for taking apart my Mom’s music boxes. The mechanics of them fascinated me. I would remove the “chords” and notice how the tune changed. My toys had all kinds of moving parts…until they didn’t. They way certain sections interacted with others was amazing. It was like seeing the “Magic” inside.

I want to blame the men in my family who took their cars apart to fix them, perform engine swaps, and usually ended up destroying my swing sets used at engine hoists. My father’s last job was a machinist before he retired, so to say it was in my blood is an understatement. For I would someday swap mowing engines, and my first truck’s engine. Swapped out the trusty old Slant-6 out for a 400 cu. in. V8 that eventually caught on fire. Thus ending that phase of my life. I was literally playing with fire.

My passion for learning what made things tick led to my career in the Military. Where I got paid to take things apart (and hopefully put them back together) in working condition.

So Mom, if you are up there listening….the great Toy/Music Box Massacre of the 1970’s eventually paid off for me. So…thank you. 🙂

Lee Sun-kyun

I’m hooked on K-Dramas (Korean TV and Movies) for about two years. I’m starting to recognize some of the actors. Sadly one of them, Lee Sun-kyun, died by suicide last year. He was being investigated for drug use. I’m not condoning drug use, or other crimes, but I am sad that an artist took their own life as the pressures of his culture made that is only viable out. I’m still learning about Korea’s culture, but I know they are very strict about many things that in my country, are a joke unfortunately.

I am still devastated about the loss of Heath Ledger, Robin Williams, and several other actors who took their own lives, or overdosed. I myself overcame depression (not drug use) but I wasn’t in that dark place where taking my own life was ever considered. My worse case scenario was being banished from my home and family. I didn’t want to be around me during those dark times.

Sun-kyun was the lead actor in the movie “Parasite”. That was my first exposure to him in a role. Another thing I love about K-dramas is their soundtracks. In this case, “My Mister”, the main song caught my attention and I love it. I stream it often on my playlist.

When I read the premise of “My Mister”: “A man in his 40s withstands the weight of life. A woman in her 20s goes through different experiences, but also withstands the weight of her life. The man and woman get together to help each other.” The song and the actor’s death gave it so much more….weight.

I too struggled with the weight of life. The pressure of support my family, the stress of adjusting to a post-military career….aging, new aches and pains from my military injuries.

So I barely started the first episode and it’s already heart wrenching. I won’t spoil it, but it was really sad for the main character.

Let’s say he gets betrayed, as I have done to my own marriage. Thankfully, we survived all of that. Somehow.

It will be hard to watch this show, but I will embrace the message and the emotions as with all of my recent favorite K-drama shows.

Both Hats

Are you a leader or a follower?

I was both as some point in my life. Switched back and forth a few times. Now I’m just a lone wolf. I’m done with the “role-playing”.

Too much drama.

😜🙌🏻🎉

Life changing friend

Share a story about someone who had a positive impact on your life.

It’s easy to say it was a parent, or sibling, that impacted my life. That is usually a given.

But I had a friend in high school who suggested I go for an electronics degree. I had zero idea of what I wanted to do after graduation. Zero.

I was debating art school, but I didn’t like to be told what to draw, paint or create. Too much of an impractical free spirit.

Andrew showed me his textbooks and lab work and it actually looked fun and interesting. I also saw that it had greater potential for a career.

I also figured my electronics job would pay for my art/hobby. Artists usually become rich and famous after they died…so that was a deal breaker for me. 😉

That one piece of advice changed my whole direction in life. For even now I’m working with technology after a long break when I was a project manager.

I’m happier fixing things. I finally reconnected with Andrew after a few decades and thanked him for putting me in that path.

Career Plan

What is your career plan?

Being on “The Back 9” at this age….I plan to retire in the next 5-7 years.

After that? Woodworking for fun and maybe occasional sales.

….and sleep in, a lot.

Nomad Part 2

Throwback Thursday Memory: The Nomad

Nomad:

1. a member of a people or tribe that has no permanent abode but moves about from place to place, usually seasonally and often following a traditional route or circuit…
2. A 2-door Chevy Wagon trim-line
3. My Brother Butch (Pete)

I saw the Chevy version a few weeks ago and my thoughts went straight to my brother who loved that car. If memory serves me right, he had one. Had. During one of his runs down our main road in front of the house, the driveshaft dropped out of it…from the engine side. The car bucked up like a wild animal with sparks flying out…and I’m pretty sure he left a deep groove in the pavement.

My other memory of my brother (who passed away in 1997) was that he, himself was a Nomad. Sometimes he would settle down for a while, but something would give him a spark to move on. Whether it was jobs, states..cars..occupations. To be fair, I only know of two main ones: truck driving and carpentry. I think he jumped back and forth to compensate for when one of them would have a dry spell.
I also believe he did it to reset.
He loved, he married…was widowed (maybe one of his reasons to keep moving). He was a master carpenter. He tried his hand at everything.
When illness took him from us, his carpentry tools were passed onto me. I still have some all these years later.
I think that Nomad gene runs secretly in our family. For me, the military gave me that change of pace…change of scenery. Often. (In countless deployments…everywhere)

My restlessness, like Butch’s, is to keep creating, keep building. Another family “curse”. We have to stay active. Productive.

Some make look at his life as chaotic, or random. No…he was in control of it. He owned it. He picked which star to follow.
…or which car to drive.

Live Show

What was the last live performance you saw?

My wife suprised me with tickets to see the Korean Rock/Pop band The Rose.

It was probably the best live concert I’ve seen in a long time. I didn’t realize how many songs I already knew and fell in love with in such a short period of time.

The 4 piece group had great stage presence and visuals.

Do yourself a favor and listen to some of their music, including the latest album: Dual.

You’re welcome. 😉

A simple lesson from Gardenias

“Exquisite beauty is often hidden in life’s fragile, fleeting moments” — John Mark Green. 

My wife’s favorite flower is gardenias. She wanted them in her bridal bouquet, but they do not last very long once picked. And technically they don’t last very long once they bloom on the bush. They are so fragrant and pure in color. They have those soft overlapping and delicate petals that look…well…peaceful.

I know actual marriages that were shorter than a gardenia’s blooming season. It’s funny how the short lifespan of that flower compares to our upcoming 35th anniversary. I also chose it as the centerpiece of my latest tattoo: A gardenia on a cross. It represents the two constant things in my life, two things that challenge me, make me a better person, and love me regardless of my faults and failures.

Even if our marriage fell apart a week from now, it’s a tribute to her love and support for me. (That’s terrible thought…but I’m just being realistic) I don’t think we will ever “quit”. We have come too far to walk away from our marriage. We find the middle ground, the compromise….

So my lesson from gardenias is this: Take time to notice the beauty, the moment, the sights and smells of things around you. Don’t put it off. During my drive home each night I pass the house of my friend I served with in uniform and always thought I should swing by to visit and catch up. But I didn’t. And now it’s too late. COVID got him last year. Even with his shots, his underlying health issues contributed to the dangers of COVID. He was going in a few weeks. I only found out about his passing from his wife who went through his contacts list to let everyone know. I found out on my anniversary.

Regret doesn’t even cover it. I have guilt, shame and anger at myself. I’ve shut a lot of people out of my life and put off seeing those I still care for. I’m selfish with my time to the point I am that proveriable Hermit I mentioned in a previous post. I am slowly turning anti-social. I’m so done with drama and the like. But I also need to tell people I care and love, that I think of them often and how they touched my life. I need to do it before it’s too late and the bloom is dead.

Hermit in the woods

Actually I shy away from the public when I can. Due to my time in uniform, I hate crowds. Also my patience for crowds is zero these days. I enjoy staying home with the peace and quiet. So my apologies for the non-answer. Just being honest. Looks like I will never visit a theme park every again either. I am starting to understand those who move to the mountains away from society. Especially these days with everything going on. Now to be balanced, I did my time for “The Community” with school volunteerism, Scouting, and my time with the National Guard assisting with Disaster relief after Hurricanes. I also volunteered to assist the elderly and disabled veterans through several projects. I also volunteered through my Church back in the day. So…I think it’s fair that I’ve done at least something at one time or another…..So now it’s time to retire to the mountains and find that elusive peace of mind.

Daily writing prompt

What do you do to be involved in the community?

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