Why is my past such a harsh mistress?

I named my blog as a play on the sci-fi book:

The Moon is a Harsh Mistress. And I removed “Cold” from my site name…simpler title and still valid.

My childhood was…interesting.

Filled with Love, Tragedy, laughter, sadness, sheer terror……Shakespeare would have been proud.

My past shaped this tired author. Gave me a world view earlier than my years should have allowed.

The Past is my Mistress. I don’t talk about “her” out loud. She is always there in the shadows and recesses of my very soul.

Sometimes she helps me cope, other times she drags me down into a personal Hell.

For some reason people assumed I’m a middle-aged woman….but I’m the opposite. A man pushing 60 soon, over thinker, passionate and the right and wrong things at times.

I had great teachers influence my love for reader and writing. My therapist and counselors who helped me adjust to post-military life over the years recommended to write on occasions.

My last blog was counter-productive, as I kept trying to top my current mood of depression. I tried to one-up my sadness.

I deleted the whole thing when I started to feel..”better”.

But I missed the writing and inward looking.

So now I am trying again, but taking a slower approach and trying to keep my mind from falling down that well of depression, that was so easy to do before.

Honestly, I’m okay, and even if I’m not 100% there….it’s so much better than my past self.

Wing Man

What food would you say is your specialty?

Whatever fits in my mouth. If it goes with beer….even better.

The Urn

I lost a good friend and military brother the other week. He was way too young. Covid claimed another good person.

Even with his shots updated he was high risk.

As I struggled with his death, I reached out to his family and asked them if I could make his Urn. As woodworking is my therapy now.

I took an impromptu day off yesterday to build it. My body naturally woke up before the usual 5:30 alarm (that was turned off) for my day off. My mind starting racing and I tweaked the design of the urn in my mind.

Sleep was no longer an option. My workshop was a disaster area due to a several month long house remodel project. I needed to clean it up so I could focus on this project.

3 hours later, my shop was a mostly clean slate and I started with the raw maple and walnut lumber,

Even during the initial build, I modified the design yet again. That’s pretty much how I make things. That’s part of the therapy. To create on the fly. I was a project manager and it was the total opposite. Meetings, emails, paperwork, phone calls, stress…pushback and endless frustration. Woodworking allows me to be free.

I finished it just before sunset, the driveway covered in maple and walnut dust, and shavings.

It was then I finally stood back and I felt Joe’s loss again. But now, I was able to create something for his family for his final resting place. And helped them avoid being screwed by the excessive and obscene cost of funerals.

Another good thing if there could be…his daughter set up a GoFundMe to help with burial costs. They hit the goal in the first 15 hours after going live.

Rest in Peace Brother.

Memory Prime

What major historical events do you remember?

My earliest memories are the Moon Landings, Skylab, Nixon’s impeachment.

The end of the Vietnam War…

Disco and its crash and burn. 😜

The Johnstown Flood ‘77, as we just left the area the day before or so…cause it was raining so much. (Vacation)

The fall of the Berlin Wall.

Everything else is just the World’s ongoing drama….

The Audacity of Self

Our egos and expectations are so very fragile. When something doesn’t go our way, it’s a huge conspiracy and evil International plot to ruin us.

Some people get disappointed and disillusioned when their prayers aren’t answered. A good friend pointed out some people treat God like an ATM.

How quickly we forget our blessings and good fortune. One person said we should say “I GET to go to work” not “I HAVE to go to work”.

I had days and weeks searching for a job and somehow in the proverbial 11th hour somehow landed one. It wasn’t always the best job, but it kept food on the table and the roof over our heads.

We are too focused on what’s the next thing for US, something better, something newer…fresher. (Probably a reason some relationships don’t survive)

When someone close to us dies too soon, we may curse God for taking them. Or just how unfair life in general is.

We think our “rules and expectations” are the only way things should play out.

When I lost my sister, and recently some good and decent people in my life that were so very young….I was and am very angry.

Part of it is maybe survivor’s guilt.

But as I get older, I am starting to see that each literal breath is a gift. Each day I have a job and can provide for others, is a gift.

This past week, I am trying, with mixed results, to try to be less frustrated or angry at the stupid and petty things.

Trying.

I remind myself to honor those who have left us by trying to be a better human each day.

Trying. 🙂 ❤️

Victory Lap

What are you most proud of in your life?

If I had to pick one thing I am proud of…it’s that I didn’t “choke” in Military basic training.

I almost quit, almost walked away, and somehow stuck it out. I was spoiled, lazy, drifting up to that point of my life.

And then for the next 20+ years I continued to keep going. Through endless nights, endless deployments, and time away from my family.

Now I’m providing for them, thanks to all that sacrifice.

It also helped me cope with other challenges I have faced in life.

Hello Moon

I see you up there. You are sometimes the only constant thing in my life. When I was a child I saw the “man” on you. I think as I got older he dissappeared. Along with Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin.

You’ve been there at my best of times and worst of times. You’ve peered down on dinosaurs, Adam and Eve? You’ve seen the Great Pyramids be built from scratch. You saw us fight horrendous battles and had many a lover kiss under you.

You comforted the broken hearted, the lonely, those adrift at sea. You watched over Columbus and The Vikings. You played host to Earthly visitors several times as they scratched your surface for a greater understanding of the universe.

You push and pull our vast oceans and lakes.

We blame you for bad driving and otherwise odd behavior. Lon Chaney always needed a shave once he was caught in your moon beams.

You don’t care what the latest fad is, or which song is on top of charts…even though you were mentioned by name.

“Moon”…that’s the best name we could come up with? I’m surprised you don’t have a corporate sponsor yet, or a logo carved into you.

Give it time ….we will screw it up.

Shine on..shine brightly and I will see you tomorrow.

Anniversary

The first couple decades in our lives, we drift freely, untethered. Eventually we want stability, certainty and something, someone we can hold onto.

I’ve told this story so many times to so many people…my Great Aunt told to me stop looking so hard….and then one night in a crowded room…. there was my future.

Just like the mystery of gravity, I was drawn to her. And after we started dating, I couldn’t think of anything else. I especially remember those deep exhales. My heart and mind already knew she was the one I would ask to spend the rest of her life with me.

I don’t think you truly comprehend the magnitude of marriage and love until it survives in the long run.
When it seems, there are days and weeks where the “worse” part outpaces the “better” part. But if you have something solid, something true…. you get past those challenges.

When our priest at the wedding ceremony said, “Love is Sacrifice”, he meant it. The key is that it can never be one-sided. You both must do that.
And I know now, more than ever, when she said “Yes”, 34 years ago, I needed to keep my promise to love and cherish her.
Thank you for these amazing decades together, through the highs and lows… For three amazing children that have the best parts of us in them.

Happy Anniversary my Love.

Final Flight

My neighbor is in his final stages of life as the cancer ravages his body.

He is a retired pilot and just until recently his 87 year old mind was razor sharp.

I find myself having those conversations that are mostly one-sided like I had with my own parents in their final years.

Keeping sentences short, concise and loud.

Not expecting any answer in particular, a smile is reward enough.

I feel like I’m losing a parent again and that sense of dread and helplessness is back again.

I’m glad I was there for him when his only son wasn’t. (He has stepped up recently so that’s somewhat comforting)

I only pray that he doesn’t suffer and when his time does come, he goes peacefully….

Godspeed my friend.