Hold Music

Hold Music

“Not going anywhere for awhile?” I love that Snickers commercial.
I was placed on “hold”….and after the canned commercial with techno-industrial music repeated the 3rd time I hung up.
The music portion was great. I felt compelled to pay an overtly high cover charge to enter a posh nightclub.
(Bouncer with a black suit/velvet ropes type club)

Yesterday we had a scheduled teleconference with a vendor and that music would make John Tesh or Yanni want to place a hose connected to an exhaust pipe of a running car. Yes….it was that painful to listen too.
Dolphins would have cried, then beached themselves.

I truly believe some businesses purposely pick cheesy and life-draining hold music to punish your for calling them on a Friday. Or on a Monday.
9 times out of 10, you are stuck with them and they already cashed your check. (Or the contract was renewed for another year)

Just tell me next time that I call you:
“Please wait while I place you in Purgatory….”

Mr. Bright side

“The Basis for Optimism is Sheer Terror”

-Oscar Wilde

 

Early 2007, I was still in the military.  I had “plans”. 

These plans included being in a few more years at least.  I wanted to get promoted one more time.  Not the topmost rank, but the 2^nd to the last one.  I was being realistic.  The top rank involved severe handshaking, brown-nosing, politics and playing an exhausting game of interoffice drama.

July of that year a rumor, whispers of HQ coming down to brief us about “something” started.  Something life-changing.  Come to find out, they were deleting some of our positions, converting others to a different structure.  They were cutting budgets and we were the Red-headed step-children.

Our recently new Commander was the hatchet-person, inserted to do the execution.  Drop the hammer, cut the fat, reduce waste…you get the idea.

I fondly call that meeting “The Great Pink Slip Meeting of 2007”.

 

Those that had a “good 20 years” under their belt for retirement, left in the next several months.  Two of us needed one more good year.  So we had some time to ponder our futures.  Of course there was Anger, Fear, Denial, Acceptance…all those emotions, which would swap places depending on what day of the week it was.

It was too early to look for a job, and too early to have a full-blown panic attack.  That didn’t stop me from having one…or twelve.

 

In my usual mindset and sarcastic tradition, I had “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers for my phone ringtone.

I would smirk, grimace every single time my phone rang.

 

As my time started to run out, I searched far and wide for my new career.  And then I thought I landed a sweet deal, only to have that company have a hatchet-man come in to cut the very department I was suppose to start with.

History does repeat itself.  

 

And then my retirement ceremony came.  I made sure to tell the new Commander when she spoke to us at the Change of Command Ceremony, she said:  “Don’t be afraid of change…”  And I said, “…at that time, I didn’t realize that meant to update my resume’.”

(I think that was one of my best lines that day)

 

So with my new job getting cut before I even started, I scrambled to find another one.

My vacation time was running out and just in that last week of it, I can tell you exactly where I was when I got “The Call” that one of my job leads were going to hire me.

 

As always, I started out optimistic and hopeful….then of course it would crash and burn due to some poor decisions (and very illegal) of those appointed above me. (He served time in prison for it)

My team that I build from scratch were laid off, and I somehow stumbled onto another job at the 11^thhour….again.

That was my life for the next several years.  Having fate deal me losing cards and somehow, landing on my feet yet again.

Now my ringtone is a boring off the shelf one.

 

“But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr. Brightside”

FutureWorld

How would you design the city of the future?

When I play SimCity, I really suck at City Planning, but mostly because they extort you into paying to play. So I work with a shoestring and painfully slow budget stream.

I would make sure that practical green energy is used. Wind, Solar, tidal (if a coastal location) infrastructure.

Buildings would use fiber optics with light catching/diffusing technology.

LEDs of course EVERYWHERE.

Mass Transit that makes sense. Elevated and with stops incorporated into major buildings/hubs.

Covered sidewalks that allow natural and filters sunshine.

Regenerative water/sewage systems (tapping into methane usage)

And in todays world, CCTV systems ran by AI.

Lots of AI systems (that wouldn’t have the potential for Mis-use. Hopefully.

Buildings would be mega-structures with all the necessities held within.

Again green spaces/terraces on every floor with rainwater catching/recycling.

Only electric vehicles within the city limits to reduce pollution.

Roadways designated exclusively for bikes and pedestrians.

Trees. Lots and lots of freaking trees. 🙂

Oh yeah….dog parks.

Every structure would have disposal conduits to ensure efficient waste disposal and recycling.

What a wonderful world it could be.

Could.

Maybe.

Someday.

The Summer of ‘79

TBT: The Summer of ‘ 79
For a couple of years in the late 70’s, my parents would go back to Pennsylvania for Sumner vacation.
I got to see my childhood friends and spend time with my brother and sisters.
My brother took me to see this new science fiction/horror movie called “Alien”.
The main spaceship was claustrophobic, dark and grimy. It was the total opposite of Star Trek.
The Monster was a ground breaking design.
The 14 year old me was probably not ready for that kind of movie yet. 😜
I think my brother laughed at the scary parts because they were so good. (I don’t think he was afraid of ANYTHING)
Looking back on that summer, it was the end of my innocence.
1980, my entire world was turned upside down. That scary movie paled to the next couple of years where reality was worse.
The death of my Grandmother (who meant the world to me)…and at the same time, my parents divorce. I wasn’t allowed to be a kid anymore.
Change was constant moving forward.
A brief summer stay with my sister helped me sort things out and refocus the best a 15-year old could.
In 1982, an old Blue Dodge pickup gave me some independence and focus.
Maybe that summer jump started me for the “real world” a little sooner.
Maybe that’s also why I love the “escape” movies give us. We get to forget about the world in that dark theater for a few hours.
I miss those Summers that seemed to last forever.

…and that is my Throwback Thursday Memory.

My Motivation

What motivates you?

To have purpose. To make a difference.

Lawn boy

It’s been a long week. I still like to do my own yard work, plus not paying someone $100 a month. Everyday I pushed back my date with the yard for many reasons. School work, donated blood…didn’t feel like it. Feeling that missing pint of blood still, and the Florida heat, I dragged myself through the thick soup of atmosphere. Of course I started late due to a pending thunderstorm. As I wrapped up in the fading daylight I noticed that second to the last patch of grass looked like a piano. I had a flash back to when I was 8 or 9 years old cutting grass up North. (Yes pushing a gas powered lawn mower with spinning blades of death and ZERO safety features)
The mower had to be from the 1950’s and was several different colors. It could have been something out of Steampunk. I do recall cutting geometric shapes in the lawn. There was no deadline to finish the yard. I had no goal. It was just me and some grass. I miss my childhood and the smells and sounds of my first home. Sandwiched between Amish farms it was such a slow, peaceful and quiet
life.
I need to stop using a stopwatch on everything.
I need to be in the moment again.

The Carpenter

After High School I had two jobs. I had to stay busy. I worked with a Mom and Pop Landscaping and Lawn Maintenance business. This was during the week after my college classes. The second job was weekends only. It was with two different carpenters/contractors. One did remodel work only and the other custom homes and remodel work. I learned some valuable lessons from all of these people. First they go me hooked on coffee. Bastards.
Second, it was to take pride in your work, do it right the first time. My dad and brother who was a master carpenter tried to teach me this. I guess because I was getting paid by someone else, I paid even closer attention.
One custom home project used an electrical contractor whose wiring work in the attic looked like a computer circuit board. I have never seen anyone do it to that level since. (Shell Electric in Tarpon Springs).
Every nail had to be perfect, every piece of visible wood flawless. I remember “Dave” inspecting every board like a jeweler at the lumber yard .
As we were 99% finished on a cedar paneled wall (this was the mid-80’s) the customer changed their mind and wanted a 45 degree angle as opposed to a vertical pattern. The carpenter was upset, but he ripped the wall down and proceeded to angle the salvaged boards. As I watched silently he knew what I was thinking and answered, this isn’t my house, they need to be happy, it’s not about me.
I learned how to braid my electrical cords for proper storing to avoid having them become tangled messes. And it looks pretty cool too.
I learned remodeling and carpentry is like a chess match, the more potential moves you can see into the near future, the better you can handle the challenges. I somehow figured out to use this in my life. Every time something didn’t fit just right or fall into place like I planned, I had already thought about the 10 other scenarios.
I also try to “do it right the first time” approach. Carpentry is another career I wish I could do full time. To take raw materials and to create something beautiful and functional is amazing.
One of the Carpenters passed away many years ago, and I am not sure where the other one is, but I hope he is still teaching new craftsmen.
Back in the mid 80’s I learned more than remodeling homes,
I learned how to remodel my life.

Only the Lonely

Alternate titles: “Wild Flower” and “The greatest 30 minutes of my life”

I’m not sure when I had a thing for older women. But it definitely was a thing when I was old enough to date. My first real encounter was with my girlfriend’s mother in High School. Well…I was in my first year or so of college. She married really really young. I think she did it to escape her family, and small town. He was a decent man. Very nerdy…very straight shooter. Just like a sitcom Hapless dad/husband. In the early 80’s “S” found her stride. A very trending haircut, and she was in her prime at 40. I think her husband was her first and only one from the start. She was bored and frustrated. My girlfriend took after her Father. I loved her, and respected her. I never tried anything in appropriate, kept my hands to myself and never pushed to her to “do more”. I respected that. But at the same time, I was hitting 19 and wanted more. A late virgin, not by choice, just timing.

“S” would drop subtle hints here and there. Then the hugs became more….personal and intense. (I needed a cigarette after a couple of them) I could feel the tension between us. Both wanting something more in life. I would drop by to see my girlfriend after classes some times, and this time, “S” was the only one home. (Cue cheesy Jazz/Lounge music and Gato Barbieri)

We talked about stuff, and nothing. We went to the kitchen to get a drink of soda or something….and let’s just say…it went off script. (The best 30 minutes of my life) Just to be clear….nothing happened. Clothes stayed on. But at the same time, I was burning up after it. I think that was the final clue that I needed to move on from girlfriend. It was overdue. She deserved better and I was looking for worse. Can’t sugarcoat it. Even now, I think she never married. Tired of games, or just not willing to let anyone in her heart after my hurtful departure and others before and after me.

I can’t save everyone. I learned that “S” divorced soon afterward. Maybe I was her wakeup call too.

Later on I dated some other older women. No games….no teasing…just business.

I fell in…”love” with my friend’s (Girl) widowed mother for a spell before leaving for the military. We met at a party and sync’d on so many things. She also married young. Her husband was an Air Force officer and died young from cancer. I found out I was only the second man “D” had ever been with since her marriage. We were very intimate. But I was also in love with her daughters who was dating a good friend…who didn’t treat her very well. We too had a fling. I was more than ready to leave for the military and try to grow up a little bit. A little tiny bit.

But before Basic training….I went on vacation back up North and got “fixed up” on one more blind date with a married woman…who like the others…was bored, frustrated and wanted more in life. Drinks, dancing…and a spare bedroom for the night….she too ended up getting divorced. I’m not the Angel of Marriage Death…but I just happened to be in the right place at the right time.

Flashforward to post military life….and a brief fling with a co-worker…who just happened to be a dead ringer for my old high school girlfriends mom. It was eerie. Right down to the height, and trendy dirty blonde haircut. It was so surreal. Unfortunately she became unhinged at work. I discovered she flirted with others….I guess I was reeled in. …and she got divorced. Not my fault…just timing and a catalyst.

Do I have any regrets? Actually not really. The co-worker was a bad idea. But that was the beginning of my downward spiral of depression, major post-military adjustment issues. Oh….I did have another fling with someone from my first couple of years in the military….she to…became….unhinged. That one I do regret. That was just before I reached out for professional help and treatment. Leaving toxic companies helped too…and also finding my faith again.

To be perfectly honest. I am not a Saint. I am not a perfect Christian. …not a perfect Dad or Husband.

No excuses for my trysts and such. It’s who I am. damaged goods….on good meds now. I still crave physical touch and intimacy. I do love my wife…she forgave me for those moments…cause she knew we were….very distant. And she saw my descent into a very dark place. She knew I would walk away from everything. Not as a threat…just that I didn’t care about anything or anyone back then.

Now I throw myself in my woodworking….stiff drink now and then. Just trying to find some peace without collateral damage these days.

I think everyone is lonely in some way. We just handle better or worse than others.

I’m trying. Honestly.

26 Letters

Aside from special characters and numbers this is all we have in the English language to work with. Scary isn’t it. Somehow we manage to re-arrange these 26 letters into different combinations each time we touch paper, a keyboard or open our mouths. The results are positive, negative, heroic, heartfelt or end in disaster.

For example: I told my son in a short text message that I am proud of him and hope he bounces back from an “off day” he had during his first week of High School. Those small amount of words conveyed love, understanding, hope and pride.

Some mere mortals put them in just the right order to make your soul ache, soar and even cry out, others can fill you with disgust, hate and remorse. Such a powerful weapon. (Yes….the pen is mightier than the sword)

I wish I could make a living out of just writing. But then making it “work” would destroy the impulsiveness of it. Right now I can do it on my terms, my timeframe….my needs. And it doesn’t matter if anyone loves it.

It’s for me.

See you at the next arrangement.

Writing and what it gives me

What do you enjoy most about writing?

I had a blog during my Dark Ages: 2013-2016

Writing taps into the deepest parts of my memory and soul. The only problem is, you hit a bad spot and keep digging deeper and deeper with no way back up.

From my experience….

I found the right doctor, my marriage survived “me”….and I slowly found my footing again.

I deleted the entire blog. Several hundred posts. Some bad days, I posted 3-4 musings, dreams, regret….fantasies…etc.

Only recently, I learned to find some balance on this one. Acknowledging my past, but not to the point it drags me back into the dark dungeon of regret.

I hope my posts give someone a “me too” feeling or a different perspective to help them understand something similar they are dealing with, whether it’s happening now….or from long ago and won’t let go.