Triage my Soul

Some days the world crushes me. The turmoil at home, work, on my commute, in our government, the world stage…it’s insane.

I want to hide from it all, but I can’t. But I can choose to let it go to some degree.

Can I solve/fix world peace at my desk? No, of course not.

Can I finish a project at home? Absolutely.

The guy driving erratic or slow in front of me won’t fix his driving by my sheer will.

And usually…the odds of me seeing him again are almost astronomical.

Everyone says “Let it Go”….but it’s not that easy. It’s part of my weird version of OCD or whatever it is.

Is there a terrorist right outside my front door? No. (I know that’s not an easy answer for some people). But in my zipcode…it’s not a realistic concern.

I have to take a pause, a mental step back most days to regroup and calm myself down.

Some days are better than others.

Some…are not.

Some of my favorite things

What are your two favorite things to wear?

My bed…and couch.

😴😴😴

Keeping up appearances

I’m not 100% sure what my official condition is. Whether it’s anxiety, depression, OCD (not the cleaning or organized kind) or a combination of each.

I smile at work and when with friends when inside, I wish I could stay in bed and get actual sleep.

I want to hide in my workshop and just create things.

Adulthood and its unfortunate responsibilities force my hand to keep being mature and not let those down who rely on me.

My latest medication still helps my sleep avoid those previous “skipped record” dreams that haunted me and made me exhausted.

They were horrendous.

My meds also help with some of my chronic pains.

This is my new normal.

I’m okay, just not “okay”.

Part of my pre-med condition was impulsive behavior. Like when I quit my high-paying city job without thinking it through and choosing what, at the time, felt like a smart and safe move.

Now I fall with style. Still making sometimes rash decisions. To get a quick fix to feel better. (Not illicit drugs to clarify)

It’s only Wednesday and it’s been a long week already.

Multi-Tired

I joke with some people that I’m still tired from 1997. (It was a busy year in my military career)

For the past 20 years I have been the sole source of income for my family. I wanted my wife to quit and allow her to care for the kids without dealing with work/life/balance. Especially since I was deploying a lot in the Air Force.

I was also attending night/weekend college classes and doing remodel work on the side for extra cash.

Once I retired and entered the roller coaster world of government contracting, the stress of wondering if our contract would be renewed took its toll on me.

Then when I got a “stable” local government job with the City, it only got worse. Now I had to deal with rampant apathy, laziness, lack of accountability, integrity and confident leadership.

Instead of tell my team to slow down in uniform, now I had to drag them to do the bare minimum.

Even now, I’m still recovering from those years and stress. And now…I am taking on oversight and care for my elderly neighbor.

As I get medical power of attorney to help them navigate their increasing health issues legally, I have to contend with their only son who has minimal vested interest or participation.

I did a version of this for my own parents in their final years.

I guess I do not know how to slow down and relax…but if I do..it’s outside, at night with a tall glass of something wonderful that burns going down and makes me numb.

And in those few and far between hours of bliss, silence and downtime, I can breath for just a little bit. I still ponder what’s wrong in my life, or what’s right. I judge myself endlessly and chastise my past actions….but with each sip…the self-critique fades and I close my eyes listening to the silence and beautiful sounds of the night.

I know that my gauntlet will start early the next day when the alarm jolts me into reality again.

I sigh, and promise myself to try to do better…and to try to relax just a little bit more.

What technology would you be better off without, why?

Not so much technology, but “Reality TV” needs to go away.

Joe…are you there?

Joe, are you there?

With each update on your funeral and interment at the National Veterans Cemetery, I feel like I lost you again, and it really hurts dammit.

Even with my renewed Faith in God above, I still have doubts about a better place, or that our departed ones can “see” us.

With the exception of close family, I’ve tried to avoid funerals all together. They say they are for the living, not the deceased.

That doesn’t seem fair.  What a terrible time to NOT see how much you are missed.

We shouldn’t have to die to tell someone how much they mean to us. Or how much of an empty hole they leave in our hearts.

You were such a good man. It’s not fair that you left us so early. I’m not jealous of heaven for getting you, I’m angry and selfish that we don’t have you down here. Although “here” isn’t really a good place to be these days.

Maybe God saw something bad coming your way and took you now instead of a painful illness. Or maybe, death is just random, and God doesn’t care about our wishes and desires all the time. We are just too petty and small minded to see anything outside of small sphere of influence.

Some people never leave their hometowns. Some people, like you and I, saw a lot of it in uniform. You met the love of your life almost 4,000 miles away from home.

You two had a beautiful daughter and she will make waves and change lives because of that one moment you fell in love again and trusted someone to marry again.

Joe, will you see us in church? We will see the fresh look of disbelief that you are not here?

Will you see us the following week when you are laid to rest among the thousands of other veterans who gave everything they had?

Your military family loved/love you so, so much. We will think of often, and the pain will never totally go away.

This hole in our hearts and the emptiness, prove that you are here in some way. We will never let you go and keep you alive in our souls.

Rest in peace my dear brother in arms. Rest well and we will meet again someday.

Missed Goodbyes

I’ve grown close to my neighbor down the street over the past 15 years. He and his wife are almost like parents to me at this point. Buck is 87 and his health has steadily declined as his cancer has spread. Now they have 24/7 nurses and Hospice visits.

He has gotten worse over the past two days and I fear his time is short. He could be gone by morning, or by Monday for all I know. As the first drop of Morphine helped him settled down, I left quietly. I asked the nurse to call me if he has another bad and restless night.

The least I can do is sit with him and hold his hand. Life I did for my own father.

My Dad was 85 and while getting an MRI, the fluid he drank got into his lungs….the same lungs that were coated in black coal dust from 60 years before. By the time I got to the hospital, he was already on a respirator. And unconscious. He never woke up and every few hours, his tired lungs became more and more white on the xrays. A 25 year old would have had a hard time bouncing back. So now my Power of Attorney, compiled with Dad’s Do Not Resuscitate orders and no life support. I had to let him go.

As I held his weathered hand than saw so much hard work, I silently thanked him for everything and anything else I could think of. How long do or can you say goodbye? His kidneys stopped working earlier and the same with Buck’s as they slow down.

My Mother had a stroke a 1,000 miles away, and as I was boarding the tram to my gate at the airport early the next morning, she died. I stepped off the tram before the doors closed and found a dark bench off to the side at the terminal. I spoke to the nurse to hear it again in real time. It’s not that my call would bring her back. But I didn’t get that final goodbye either.

The same thing happened with my Brother, battle with an illness and he took a turn for the worse, the night before I flew out…he too died.

As we left our house for the final time up North, I was 10, it was dark and snowing, my oldest sister was pulling out of the driveway with my youngest sister (9 years my senior) We waved, yelled our Love Yous….thinking this wasn’t the last time to see each other.

About 10 months later, her and the sister-in-law I really never got to know, both died in a car accident on a dark and rainy road. Many people didn’t wear seatbelts back then….in the ’70’s. We were all immortal back then.

Over the recent few years, I have lost friends and military brothers to various causes, always telling myself I will see them again soon….the next time. Someday.

We should live like there won’t be a tomorrow, or next time. Carry less grudges, hatred and sore feelings.

Be less selfish with our time.

Regrets have no expiration date.

My Hero

If you could meet a historical figure, who would it be and why?

I’d would have like to have know my father when he was young. Or even his Dad.

To learn about your history is more important some times and helps you figure yourself out.

Best Behavior

They say marriage has a honeymoon phase. You don’t pick fights, you compromise, sacrifice and tread lightly.

But then you reach a point when you see the real person. Do they still compromise, communicate, speak honestly and without a filter?

So they sacrifice something for the greater good of the marriage? To keep balance and peace?

Or do they drift apart, silence and avoidance are the norm?

Do they pretend everything is fine, smile when among family and friends?

Does one of them just cave and become a doormat?

Marriage is a gauntlet after the honeymoon is over. You have hobbies that deflect and distract. Girls night out, golf with the guys.

Downtime.

Those hyper-romantic kids faded away at some point.

Some couples quit early, or after a few years or even decades. My sister did after 40 years.

Or…do you suffer in silence, or keep pretending?

It’s safer to stay together.

You keep telling yourself that you will “have that talk”. Or get counseling. Or leave.

Love is also fickle. One moment your heart races from pure love, other times it’s like your soul is being crushed.

I’ll let you know when I figure it out.

For now…I will try to be on my best behavior.

Maybe.

Cheers to the broken

Cheers to all you beautiful, broken, damaged and flawed people.

Here’s to you getting up each day and keep facing life, the bull shit, the impossible demands others sometimes place on us.

For doing what is right, not what is easy.

For not quitting, for not surrendering.

You somehow drag yourself out of the house and speak to people, smile and pretend you have your shit together.

Things will get better, I don’t know when, but it will.

Change your path, destiny or stars if you must.

Keep going.

Cheers.