Death always has the final say-so

Just learned about another death this week. My wife’s uncle.

“Joe” was Rat Pack Cool. Loved his martinis, wine, motorcycles at one point. He was related to a certain New York mafia family….he wasn’t in it…but close enough. 🙂

A smooth dancer, very confident and a successful businessman. Sadly his two children are train wrecks.

They never knew any financial hardships, they never knew hunger for something. They are sadly greedy little monsters.

But getting back to Joe…. His first wife, a former model and very elegant woman passed many years ago. Joe dated for a while and found a new soul mate.

My family experienced a lot of loss in the 70’s and 80’s. I was born into my family late in life so everyone was decades older than usual.

I am trying to only hold onto good memories and not focus on the loss. It’s very hard these days.

It seems everyone acts like they will live forever and not make the most of each day on this Earth.

Joe, you are in a better place, your mind and health was fading these last couple of years.

Rest in Peace dear one. I light yet another candle and raise a glass in your honor.

Mid-Century Man

There are days I wish I was young again.
To have that energy and no pain.
To dream of doing…everything.
But nights like these, I am enjoying a well-deserved rest.
While I didn’t do “everything”, I’ve was fortunate to experience so many other things and see a good part of this Earth.
In my youth I searched high and low looking for someone to share my life with.
I found that girl. We started a family.
And the pain? It reminds me of all those times
I didn’t think I could push myself any harder or any further. I wanted to quit. I wanted to walk away.
I’ve found new and less strenuous passions.
There may be less “new” things to experience. But now I am focusing on those important things that I use to run past in a frenzy and were a blur in my peripheral vision.

I have a deeper and greater love for God who helped get this far in life.

The crackle of the flame, the music of the insects and little creatures of the night…the warm kiss of my favorite Red make me realize that this is the moment to be in.

To take in and enjoy.

I like my mid-century persona.

Cheers.

Validation

I think even before Social Media became a thing, I needed some form of validation.

As I get older I try to understand the person I am now and how I got to this version of myself.

Maybe it was because I was the youngest of five children. Maybe because my parents divorced and I felt like a throwaway.

I think we all want to be “seen” at some level. I was initially shy then turned to trying to be a class clown or…witty. Sometimes with success, and other times, poorly.

I also know social media is creating new mental health and identity issues for people.

When I post something funny or something I created in my workshop, I guess I just want to be acknowledge that I exist. That I made an emotional impact.

On the flip side of my losing battle, is that I want to be alone. I’m tired of crowds, congestion, noise.

Funny how you can be in a crowded room and feel lonely at the same time.

The Long Goodbye

After we hit a certain age in this life, death starts taking us one by one. (At least more frequently)

As a teen, death would take a reckless young driver, or a mystery illness and the shock was overwhelming.

In our 30’s and 40’s the loss is still felt at some degree. Sometimes it could be that some life choices finally took their toll on the body.

Now as we cross the 50 milestone, older friends start departing. We become aware of our own mortality just a little more each day.

A friend of mine passed away yesterday. He was always on borrowed time as he didn’t take care of his diabetes when it was first diagnosed.

After his organs started to retaliate, he became a rare triple organ recipient.

But even with this second chance, he still didn’t take care of himself. Eventually he lost a leg, then the other one recently.

He was such a quirky soul. And was one of those people who do anything for anybody.

Maybe he knew he was on borrowed time and just went with the flow.

He was divorced and had a beautiful daughter who he would also do absolutely anything for.

Now we are at a point in our lives pondering “who is next”?

I’d like to think some of this sadness and loss would make us try to be a better human with what time we have left.

We should focus on the good. But I am so jaded and angry most of the time, due to people who don’t even try to be decent and kind.

He was another friend that I kept postponing a visit with as I had selfish priorities.

We keep thinking there will ALWAYS be more Hello’s and time.

And to be perfectly honest, I am growing weary of this long goodbye.

Resting Heart rate

They always tell you about signs of having stress and depression. But I’m noticing signs of getting…better.

I was a horrible nail-biter up until recently in my life. My resting heart rate was in the high 70’s to low 80’s at times.

Now I have to trim/file my nails. My resting heart rate is high 50’s to low 60’s.

I don’t have those horrible bouts of insomnia like I use to. The nights where I had to leave the bedroom and sit elsewhere out of sheer frustration.

So this is what finding peace must feel like. Or at least getting to a better place.

Now that my eventual retirement is less than 10 years away, I have a tangible goal. And a new reason to try and take a little bit better care of myself. (A little bit)

I miss the theory of a fast-paced and extremely challenging day at work, but not as much.

Sometimes it feels good not leaping…or running….or…worrying for a change.