What Went Right…not so right?

This is that unofficial year-end tradition of looking back and wondering what went right and what went wrong.

Did I avoid some mistakes? Or just end up repeating them and of course “justifying” them?

My peace of mind was a lot better, but I still need to work on getting better sleep. My body keeps messing with me at night. It takes turns on what keeps me up. An ache, a random pain..or a excruciating leg cramp. (Like last night)

It’s sometimes depressing when you fail to improve on things. And they seem “easy” on paper.

I will try just a little bit harder in 2023….

…key word is “try”.

Tis The Season to be Introspective

As Christmas approaches, stress and depression hit some people harder. What’s suppose to be “the most wonderful time of the year” hits some people differently.

2020 was a good example. What you expected and what happened was very extreme. Each year we have hopes and prayers for something…anything to be better than the year before.

The gauntlet from January to December takes its toll. Some make plans to be with family and travel far to see them. Others stay out and enjoy the down time of “nothingness”.

The house gets decorated and the tree is put up out of tradition, faith and love.

Children and adults get gifts that are “special” in that everyone gives and receives something above and beyond our normal expectations and needs.

As I mentioned earlier, we also look back and grow weary. Somethings didn’t get resolved, or appear. Our promises to each other and especially ourselves may have fallen short.

With the self-inflicted pressure of making everything perfect, we forget the whole purpose of Christmas….

We forgot about that child who came into this world to save us. If you have no faith, this is your time to flex your hypocrisy.

While we should be thinking and showing gratitude each day for him….this season is the big finale….

I’m not a perfect Christian by any means. Far far from it. I wish ill on many people who have wronged me…I curse their existence….and wish for terrible things to fall upon them. I should be on the metaphorical naughty list.

Then as Christmas Eve approaches, the quiet settles in. We slowly relax and forgive the world and ourselves if only until the next night. The eggnog kicks in and we cozy up in a blanket.

In the weeks that follow we make empty promises, we swear to change…and make a half hearted attempt.

As always, we need to realize that nothing or no one is perfect. We all carry something with us for a long long time.

Here’s to wrapping up another year, surviving this world and hoping for a new and better 2023…

Rufus Wainwright

A few years ago I listened to some pretty depressing music. Very depressing. I couldn’t help it. Somehow I stumbled onto Rufus Wainwright. Some of his music had a hint of “it’s going to be okay….even if it isn’t”

Songs like “Across the Universe” tried to let me down gently in telling me that no matter how much I try, somethings will never change. I just have to accept it and adapt.

I mean to be realistic, life is always changing. You can’t hide and pretend. Some people do live I protective bubble, oblivious to the real world. In denial, in deeply rooted apathy.

I did bounce around my music playlist. But it’s now more ambient-themed and relaxing.

Rufus has a low key melodic tone in his singing. Sometimes it feels tortured, or suffering in silence. Other times seems like acceptance and peacefulness. (This is as good as it will get?)

Like drinking, or writing..or listening to music that could border on psychosis…I’ve learned to try and do it in moderation. To not fall deeper into the dark mine shaft.

Just enough to have pause and a sanity check.

Hopefully.

Oh What a World.

The Quiet Death of Christmas Magic

I remember when I learned there was no Santa Claus. I discovered my badly hidden presents….and peaked.

My friends and family still give me grief for my transgression 47 years later.

I still looked forward to Christmas now knowing where everything came from. Or should a I say from whom.

Only until I became an adult and had my own children, the magic was totally gone now that I had to set up the tree…hang lights, convoy back and forth from the storage unit with bins of decorations…

I think after having all the ups and downs of the year, especially since COVID hit, we need some “magic”.

Now I just bide my time until the “rush” of getting ready is over and then I can sit next to the tree at night with a good glass of something…and enjoy the silence.

It’s a different magic now. One where you reflect and try to end the year on a high note.

Colds, Crosswords,Christmas,Church and Carey

I’ve been wanting to write. But it’s also why it’s called the Holiday Crush.

It’s nice to see we are going back to old-fashion head colds. I think if you had COVID this will be the new normal every cold season moving forward.

Maybe I haven’t written as I’m staying super busy. I’ve gotten some woodworking orders, so maybe I’m literally “working through things.”

The house is almost finished being decorated for Christmas. I don’t do the roof lights anymore. Gravity scares me.

Looking in the mirror for the first and last time each day, I see the 25 year old trapped in a shit-show of a body. A tired face trying to find humor in the reality of aging.

We are excited for a friend who is launching a new church. I’ve only found my new Faith for the first time in my life about 6 years ago.

And this “new Faith” isn’t affecting my mindset in a drastic life-changing way. I’m still angry sometimes, still trying to understand the why’s of who we are and if there is a “purpose” to all of it.

…and I got ambushed by Mariah Carey “All I want for Christmas is you”. Damn you Hardware store…